Deciding To Adopt

This last week was my first week back to work after 8 weeks off to bond with Mr. Smiles.  It was bitter sweet.  It actually felt good to go back to work, as much as I was dreading the day, it wasn't so bad and I got to see my co-workers (we need to start hanging out outside of work more often, you know who you are)

I did miss Mr. Smiles a lot, it was weird not being there with him. 
It got me thinking about the time when my hubby first brought up adoption.  I remember telling him "no way, if we can't have any it must be for a reason; besides I'm afraid I wont love him/her like I would my own.  So no, no adoption" Oh my sweet dear husband loves me so much that he did not get mad or said anything negative, he was very patient with me and would bring it up every now and then.  Finally, after years, I started thinking about it and started researching adoption agencies -way too expensive, definitely not in our budget.  It depressed me and I would say to him "So what, if you don't have tons of money and can't give birth to a baby you are not meant to be a parent?"  I would get pretty angry. 

Hubby then started looking into adopting through the foster care system.  I was a bit hesitant because I wasn't sure I would be able to handle taking in a baby/child and then having them taken away if reunification with the birth family happened.  I began to do research on that for about a year, hubby and I talked and decided to go to orientation to see what its all about and if it would be possible to adopt a baby.

 We went to an orientation through an agency that worked with the foster care system.  We had heard a lot of good things about them, but in orientation we were told that babies aren't always up for adoption "you wont be able to adopt a newborn, there really aren't any babies".  My husband and I left the orientation very discouraged to try and adopt through the foster care system.  We felt they were trying to push older kids on us.  We were 26 and 27 at the time, with no children and we felt that a baby would be best for our family.  We decided to go to one more orientation, through the county this time, and got a lot more info.  We decided to go through with it and here we are now on our second placement with a 4 month old little boy (he was placed with us at 2 weeks old) who we are hoping to adopt.  For now enjoying every minute with Mr. Smiles and keeping our fingers crossed that it will all work out.

Meeting Birth Mother

We met Mr. Smiles birth mom 2 weeks ago.  I was bit nervous about meeting her, I was not sure what to expect as the visits with baby girls birth mother were so awkward .

We both have mixed feelings about the whole thing.  On one hand, we are happy to meet her and get to know her, if we do end up being able to adopt him I think it is very important to know her so we can answer Mr. Smiles questions when he gets older, but at the same time I still have this fear that since visitation rights started and was granted by the court we wont be able to keep Mr Smiles. 

 I've been having some really conflicting feelings: 

1.  I feel like the bad guy trying to take her baby from her 
2. who are we to not let her try and get her baby back.  If she gets her life situated and is able to give him the life he deserves why not (that's the thought on the back of my mind)

The love we have for this little guy is so big that I think it would hurt more than the first time to see him go. 

The visit was not so bad, she seemed nice and didn't make us feel like we were the bad guys trying to take her baby.  She did seem a bit overwhelmed; at one point while changing the diaper for Mr. Smiles (he would not stop crying) she had to ask me to finish changing him.  I liked that she asked me to help her. 
We didn't talk much, just a bit of small talk and some things about baby, she was very punctual as well as soon as it hit the hour she handed baby back but before we left I asked her if she would like to take a picture with baby, I think that would be a nice memory to have regardless of Mr. Smiles being adopted or not.

On the second visit we weren't nervous anymore and we had framed a picture of Mr. Smiles for her as a Christmas present, she came out as well with a gift for baby and one for me.  This all makes me feel so guilty, here we are visiting and making small talk, talking about baby's development and his likes yet I want to keep this little guy forever.  I guess everything will happen like it is meant to happen whether its good or bad I will be happy if its the right thing for Mr. Smiles.

During the visit birth mom did ask if he was our first foster baby and if we were foster parents only or foster to adopt- I had the opportunity to tell her straight out that we were looking to adopt baby but something told me not to say that yet it was too soon so I just said what came out naturally and felt right "We started out just fostering and decided to fost-adopt" she just nodded and asked why we decided to foster I was honest and told her that we love kids and we aren't able to have any of our own so we decided to foster adopt, that was it and we continued to talk about baby.

I still feel confused and don't know where this will go but I do feel its going to be a long process but we are enjoying every moment with Mr. Smiles.

Feels Right

I will be keeping this post short and sweet.

You know as frustrating as this all feels/is sometimes it's actually very rewarding being a foster parent, not easy, but when is life ever easy. 

 Hubby and I don't know much on how baby girl is doing, just that the SW visited the first week she was back with bio mom and we were told she was doing ok.  We would like to think that all is good and that she will not go back into the system. 

 It's been almost 2 weeks now since we got a call for our second placement. My husband called me at work to let me know there was a 2 week old baby boy born on my birthday (could it be a sign?) ready to be picked up straight from the hospital.  At first I was a bit hesitant as the baby is so young and I've never cared for a newborn before, so it was a bit scary, what if I break him? After giving it some thought we decided to go for it, there was a baby out there who needed a home/family right now and so here we are with an almost 1 month old baby boy who is probably the best baby ever (that I have met).  He doesn't cry much, just when he is getting a bath other than that I would say we have gotten pretty lucky with an easy baby...so far. 

I do have to say that one of my least favorite things is changing a poopy diaper, I have to admit that I did end up cutting off a onesie off the baby because there was a poop explosion and got all over baby boy's clothes cause he was moving those little legs too much.  There was just no way I was going to take it off by pulling it over his head and get poop all over him...don't judge :) 

So as always the journey continues.

His little outfit to wear through out the month of October :)

The Day We Got The Call!

Exactly one month after I started this blog we got the call for our very first placement!

Ok so first of let me say that due to this being a state matter I cannot post pictures on Facebook or on my blog or go into much detail.

A week before the official placement we received a call about a possible placement. We were told that we would need to pick up the little guy straight from the hospital that day or the next; the same day our homestudy was approved!  45 Min later we got a call back saying there was a big misunderstanding; just kidding about the little guy, it was a little girl not a new born but still less then a year old.  Another 45 min later they called back "just kidding again" there was another misunderstanding...Aah!! There was no child in need of a home sorry... Once that happened its like our patience switch was turned off, I had already given my boss a heads up that I might need to take some time off...just kidding I don't need time off yet, oi how do I turn this patience switch back on? We waited over a year to get approved I can do some more waiting right? Right!
 
 Well our patience paid off, about a week later we got a call about the same baby girl, we were told they would be dropping her off that afternoon, too bad I was on a business trip 370 miles away from home, aaah!! Good thing hubby was home, but I was not going to be able to meet Baby girl until later that evening.   When I met baby girl I didn't know how to feel or think. I think I had a bit of a wall up as I am new to all this, and when you foster reunification is always priority for DCFS.  As of right now we do not have much info in regards to baby girl as her SW is on vacation, once she gets back we will know more and see where this is going to go...fingers crossed.  Right now we are both enjoying having her in  our home, she has so much personality and makes us laugh everyday, I feel blessed to be able to do this...I'm a MOM! =)



Journey to be continued...